Tag Archives: hope

An Antidote to Negative Self-Talk

anxiety2A private client of mine, who I will call Tess, was like a soldier suffering from PTSD. She had been out of work for nineteen months and had failed in fifty-nine, straight job interviews at twenty-nine companies. She was very smart (MBA from the University of Chicago), accomplished, likable, and engaging, but she no longer believed in herself. A tape kept playing in her head that said, “Loser! What happened to you? Your career looked so promising. Why did you screw it up?”

Nineteen months of negative self-talk can make you a stranger to yourself. She no longer knew who she was, and she desperately needed to reconnect with her real self before she disappeared. So, we had a conversation:

Me: Are you smart?

Tess: Yes. I believe so.

Me: What makes you think that?

She looked at me a little surprised. My tone was challenging. I was saying, “Prove it.” She then said:

Tess: Well, I went to a distinguished undergrad program and did very well. I also did well in a post grad program at one the top universities in the country.

Me: Oh, so you have objective evidence that you are smart. This is a fact, not a fantasy, am I right?

Tess: Yes.

Me: Are you likable?

And so the conversation went. It became something of a game, and she would smile with each question. I finally ended it by saying, “When I tell you that you have every reason to be confident because you are smart, likable, and engaging, I am not saying things that aren’t true just to try and make you feel better. I’m sharing objectively verifiable facts. So will you please start believing me and believe in yourself.”

After our conversation she would wake up each morning and say, “I’m smart and I have objective evidence to prove it. I am likable and engaging for the following reasons….”

dreamstime_xl_19169606Her negative self-talk was now replaced by positive self-talk based on reality. A week later she interviewed with a company and was hired. Their salary offer was $20,000 more than her previous salary. This indicates she was able to transform their “need to fill a slot” into “an intense desire to have her fill this slot.”

The hiring authority can feel what we feel. Human nature was designed to have this capability through the mirror neuron system. When the hiring authority feels our anxiety, fear and a lack of confidence this can outweigh the objective reality that each one of us may actually be a great hire. So we need to regain our confidence and when we do, and the 60th opportunity comes around, this same person who failed the previous 59 times can hit the ball out of the park.

When I spoke to Tess after she received her job offer, I could feel what she felt: the pure joy that accompanies the end of a nineteen-month, brutal slog through a wilderness.

THE PATH TO JOB SEARCH SUCCESS:

The following link will take you to my eBook, The Path to Job Search Success: A Neuroscientific Approach to Interviewing, Negotiating and Networking. It details the system used to help Tess and others.

http://amzn.to/1dETvOC

Hope

sunrise-freeJobseekers tend to psychologically relocate themselves during a job search. Hope, or the lack of it, determines the neighborhood they choose. The jobseeker without hope can become the psychological equivalent of a homeless person, a beggar who feels he or she has nothing to offer, and who is crippled by a sense of shame and despair. Meanwhile, those jobseekers who have hope realize that they possess inherent worth and offer genuine value, and by being able to express this they attract the help of others–complete strangers–and find the hidden job opportunities.

I am not speaking about false hope, whistling in the dark when a genuine threat is nearby. False hopes are for the deluded, but 99.9% of jobseekers can have a delusion-free hope. Why? Because their talents and skills can solve the problems afflicting employers. These jobseekers are the solutions who need to seek problems. They are not problems seeking solutions.

Today (10-1-13) I was speaking to Anita Jenke, who is the head of the Career Transitions Center of Chicago (CTC), and she told me how the CTC had to be careful who they allowed to interview them based on the slant of their story. They wanted to avoid giving any interview that fed the pessimism that is so prevalent, the hopelessness regarding the employment situation. Because, as she put it, hope is an essential element in job search; it enables jobseekers to remain positive in their job search and attractive to hiring companies. Yes, complete strangers will help you in your job search, but are less inclined to do so if you are crippled by bitterness or despair.

It’s true! When I went through the informational interviewing and networking process I thought in advance, “Dear God, shoot me right now.” I was fearful of rejection and being considered a burden to others. But after I started the process I found I loved it. I’m serious. I loved it. Because most people, people I didn’t know, wanted to help me. It restored what faith I had lost in humanity. That, by itself, was not a bad return for the time invested.

 

An illustration of the InfernGustave Dore's
An illustration of the Inferno by Gustave Dore

Dante understood the power of hope and had a sign above the gates of his poetic hell. It read, “Abandon all hope, ye who enter here.” In other words, hopelessness is hell.

More recently I have heard the power of hope summed up as follows: You can live without food for around 40 days. You can live without water for about four days. You can live without air for around four minutes. You can’t live without hope one second, because once you abandon hope you abandon life.

Therefore, jobseekers, do not abandon hope. Do not embrace false hopes. Instead, dare to believe that you have value, and that others want to help you express your value in a career. Furthermore, because of the Internet, the ability to research companies and network your way to success has never been greater.