Labs 2nd Mouse

LIFE'S LESSONS YOU DON'T HAVE TO LEARN YOURSELF
In this section we will be including stories from an unpublished manuscrpt by Tom Payne entitled, "The Second Mouse Gets The Cheese." These lessons have previously appeared on the LODESTAR Dog Ranch website.

DOG GONE

Shadow ran away.

We only had the two-year-old Lab/Pit Bull mix for four months but in that short time she showed us every vulnerable section of our fence. She's a runner, and when her legs get going, her ears close up, so calling her back when she gets a head of steam is a waste of precious breath.

My wife Jean was hiking in the mountains a couple miles from the house. Considering her bent for bolting, she is kept on a leash (Shadow not Jean). Jean put the leash under her foot to fix her (Jean's not Shadow's) headgear. Leash under Jean's foot -- no match for Shadow, she (Shadow not Jean) was gone.

Emotions are funny at a time like that. Before Shadow ran away, I was feeling OK. When she was gone, I was feeling less than OK. She found her way home 24 hours later and I felt better than OK. It felt real good just to have her back! Why didn't I feel that good when she was here before she ran away?

If on Monday afternoon what you value most on this earth was taken from you and returned on Wednesday, how would you feel on Wednesday? Why didn't you feel that good Monday morning? You had what you most valued then.

Why is it so ingrained in human nature that we need to lose something in order to appreciate it? You have a life full of precious people, exciting events and priceless possessions. While we have them, recognize them, count them and value them -- right now, before they're gone, because they will go.

Lesson #1 Tomorrow's a crap shoot; live today.

NEIGHBORS

Were you ever getting ready to walk your dog and really didn't want to? That happens to me a couple of times a week. Then I think of our ex-neighbors.

No, they didn't tell me I should exercise by mowing the lawn, weeding the garden, and washing my car or walking that head-strong Lab. As a matter of fact, they didn't have to talk to me at all. It's enough that they were there.

Our old neighborhood included a group home for physically-challenged people. When I felt too tired or thought I was too busy to walk, all I had to do was look across the street and see people in wheel chairs who couldn't do, and would probably give anything to do, what I was thinking of voluntarily not doing.

Lesson #2 Maybe you need to walk your dog just because you can.

A ZERO SUM GAME

If you do something nice for Tammy, must Tammy do something nice for you? If you drive one week in the car pool, must someone else drive one week? You have Bob and Marge to the house for an evening's entertainment, then Bob and Marge owe you an evenings entertainment. You have watched the neighbor's dog twice over the last month now they owe you two?

Are you nice to get nice? Do you drive to be driven, entertain to be entertained, dog watch to have your dog watched? Or do you do what you do for the pure joy of doing without any thought of a payback?

Consider the amount of holiday greeting cards you send. Do you sent the same amount as you get? Might that be a small indication of why you perform the "giving" act of sending cards in the first place?

A person may be morally or legally obligated to pay you back a previously and mutually agreed upon something. If you did what you did to be "nice," or because it was the "right thing to do," and they don't view it the same way, what right do you have to feel put upon?

If it bothers you, invite Bob and Marge over for dinner and tell them the invitation is extended only if they agree to have you back within 2 months. If they fail in their obligation, they owe you the price of the dinners.

That may seem silly, but is it any sillier than inviting them, not voicing your expectations and seething that they haven't met the expectations you created? "Yes, but they should know that, it's just common courtesy," you say. Yea! Right. If it was common, you wouldn't be in that situation. If it's not common to Bob and Marge, and it is important to you, get new friends. New friends that will help you stay even in this incredibly uneven life.

When you do what you do for the purpose of getting paid back, you put the control of the satisfaction and contentment in your life into the hands of someone or something you do not control -- a stressful location in which to reside.

Lesson #3 Give to give, don't give to get.

THE ENEMY WITHIN

You have a time management problem? Stop reading right now and talk to your smart, resourceful self. Brainstorm five ways to more effectively manage your time.

Knowing how to manage your time is a pretty easy assignment eh? Now, is your time being managed effectively? Pretty hard eh? So easy to know, so hard to do.

Think of all the things you know how to do and say you want to do, but don't do. Is it possible you really don't want to do what you say you want to do?

Take the time management example. You say you want to manage your time more effectively. You just self-talked five ways to do that very thing, and you're still flitting around like Captain Hook in a juggling contest.

Why? Because to do what's required in order to gain the benefit of effectively managing your time, i.e., discipline, organization, and prioritization, is to you simply not worth doing.

Think of all the elements of your life you say you would like to be different than they are. Would you like to spend more time with the kids (or spend less time with kids)? Train your Lab to be an acceptable member of the family. How about going back to school, changing jobs, moving your career forward or watching every Star Trek episode? You know effective ways to grab whatever carrot is perpetually dangling in front of you -- guaranteed.

You're just choosing not to do what's required. That's OK, provided you stop complaining about the things you don't have or aren't doing. Recognize we as sharers of the human experience get exactly what we should get, given what we're willing to do to get it.

Lesson #4 To get something you don't have, you must give up something you do have, and it's not always worth the giving up.

SHAME ON ME

People watching in Houston Hobby airport might not be as exhilarating as people watching at a Marilyn Manson concert, but it was all I had.

Most travelers today seem to have two things in common: they wear frowns as the face uniform of the day, and they wear cell phones surgically attached to their ears.

She was walking toward me down the concourse when I first saw her. For someone in that eclectic mass of humanity to catch my eye was unusual. My eye was caught when I noticed she had no cell phone appendage and, of all things, was smiling! How unlike the general travelling public was she?

She was a big woman, both tall and full figured, in her early 30s. She had a pasty complexion and was wearing a "Diane Keaton" hat over a complete head scarf topping off a moo mooy type dress that took me back to the 60s. I named her Moonbeam. (I didn't have much else to do.)

I know we're not suppose to be judgmental, and hopefully I'm not when I say, "Moonbeam looked silly."

We approached, I judged, we passed. I was then on to checking if there were any others in the airport who could give me a smile. I was returning from the funeral of my cousin who had died of cancer. I could use any smile I could get.

About one-half hour later while sitting at the gate, I looked up and saw Moonbeam waiting in line to check in. She was more interesting than the book I was reading, so book down, eyes up, and I really checked her out. She was with two older people sporting matching faces. They had to be Mamma and Papa Moonbeam. They were engaged in a lively animated conversation that I strangely would have liked to be part of. I noticed Miss Moonbeam had wide-awake eyes and a great smile occupying a lot of real estate on her unusually pale but radiant, round face. Spending more time and suspending judgement, she looked well...fun, but what was with the scarf and the wild clothes? She dressed like she was pleasing herself and didn't care what people like me thought of her. Imagine that.

Broadening my judgmental scope, I checked out her accessories. Over one arm she carried a little straw basket purse, (fitting with her "I gotta be me" dress). One hand clutched a bouquet of wild flowers. The other hand carried the reason I will try for the rest of my life not to judge another human being so quickly --she held a small cloth travel bag, stitched on were the words The University of Texas M. D. Anderson Cancer Center.

She didn't look silly now; Moonbeam looked beautiful.

Lesson #4 Don't judge people on how they act until you know why they act.

"SHOULD-ING" ALL OVER

I feel pretty, I feel pretty. I feel pretty, witty and.. Right in the middle of my shower song came Murphy the Lab. He pushed the shower door open, Lab-swaggered in and began lapping up the water that had just recently washed off my squeaky clean body.

If, when my children lived at home they would have done the same thing (open the shower door, not licked the floor), I would have been angry. The Lab did it; I thought it was cute. Same act. Why would I have been mad at the kids and not the cat?

Simply, kids should know better. Labs, on the other hand, aren't into shoulds,

Anytime you have the word should, rattling around in your cranium, you can bet the negative emotion of anger is waiting to leap on everyone in sight. The kids "should" have known better, therefore I'm angry. Murphy "shouldn't" have known better, therefore I'm not angry. Kid or Lab; my results are the same, I'm still standing wet, cold and waterlogged. Whether I choose to be angry or amused at the situation rests solely on my use of the word should.

Should is a very future oriented word. "If I throw this lit match into a gallon of gasoline, I should get an explosion." That "should" means all the elements are in place to generate a specific result. While an asinine use of a lit match, it is a legitimate use of the word, "should."

Using "should" in the past is when we get into trouble. "Bob should have remembered our anniversary." He didn't. "My boss shouldn't have criticized me in front of others." She did. Go with it!

Anything that has happened should have happened; otherwise it would not have happened. The event did happen and it's over and done. Everything is right with nature, rejoice.

Should paralyzes you in the present moment by requiring spending that present moment wishing events were different from what they are. Rather than fussing and fuming over the irretrievable past, use the present productively by putting a structure in place so a similar undesirable event does not happen again in the future.

Locks on the shower door?

Lesson #6 Your anger always contains the word should. Reduce your shoulds, reduce your anger.

THAT OLD GREEN MAGIC

When my son Tom was quite young, his Grandma gave him $2.00 to spend at the flea market. The first item he saw that intrigued him was a newly minted dollar bill sold at the booth of a coin dealer. Tom liked the looks of the crisp, plastic encased dollar bill. Although too young to do any serious collecting, he bought it with his $2.00.

As the day wore on and his fascination with the dollar bill wore off, he passed a booth selling toys. He saw a 60-cent squirt gun that looked better to him at that moment than the crisp, newly minted, plastic encased dollar bill. He used the $2.00, $1.00 bill to buy the 60-cent squirt gun.

As we were driving home, my wife Jean and I were mulling over the morning events. We realized we had not given birth to a Warren Buffet (or maybe even a Jimmy Buffet for that matter). We, his sensible parents, had walked around a flea market for over two hours. We had seen many interesting items we would have liked to have had but being practical and business-like, we were going to save our money until we got well into our 90s -- then we could get whatever we wanted.

Tom, having parlayed his $2 to 60-cent squirt gun plus change, did not demonstrate good business -- not good business in the financial sense. But in the big-picture sense, Tom traded in money that has no value in itself and all day long he had in his possession what to him did have value. His parents, on the other hand, drove home practical, business-like and empty-handed.

What good is your money, whatever the amount, if you don't have your squirt gun when you want it?

Lesson #7 A dollar saved is smart. A dollar spent is fun.

ANGEL FROM MONTGOMERY

I like music. I like the singer/songwriter John Prine, and I like his song, Angel from Montgomery. What's not to like about lyrics that say:

"If dreams were thunder, lighting was desire, this old house would have burned down a long time ago."

A house full of dreams and desires -- I like that too.

Picture a house jammed wall-to-wall with dreams and desires of those who live there. A Norman Rockwell painting? Now that you've pictured it, what does a house full of dreams and desires sound like? Harder to imagine, isn't it? It's harder because so often our dreams and desires go unspoken, not just to others but to ourselves.

Early in the life of your dreams, they may seem too fragile to expose to the outside world, so you hold them inside. When it's time to consider letting them out, you worry about what others will think. You overanalyze; you commit "dreamicide."

Without the energy derived from a passionate pursuit of dreams, what of significance gets accomplished in our lives? We are rewarded by society for performing skills effectively and efficiently. Precious few others in our lives seem to care what our dreams are, but that's no excuse for our not caring. As John Prine goes on to say:

"Just give me one thing that I can hang on to. To believe in this living is just a hard way to go."

The living out of other people's dreams, resulting in a lack of personal passion, can also be seen in another line from Angel from Montgomery:

"How the hell can a person go to work in the morning, come home in the evening, and have nothing to say?"

That's not too hard to understand. Why would a person want to talk about unfulfilled dreams and desires? Why would a person want to talk about spending their unrecoverable hours fulfilling someone else's dreams and desires?

If "dreams were thunder, lightning was desire" in your house, would your house be engulfed in a raging inferno, or would you just be inconvenienced by a slight warming trend?

Lesson #8 Dreams are forged by the fire of passion or doused by the waters of indifference.

BM TO TGIF

When you first learned the days of the week, do you remember having a favorite? Do you have a favorite now? Might it be Saturday or Sunday?

Consider the view many people hold about the typical work week. Starts off with "Blue Monday," ends on "Thank God, It's Friday," and in the middle is "Hump Day" (which gets you over the hump from "Blue Monday" to "Thank God It's Friday"). And then there are Tuesday and Thursday which may very well be the same day but spelled differently.

A survey, in a long list of surveys that didn't need to be conducted, concluded that only three percent of workers considered Monday as their favorite day (Maybe they had work weeks of Wednesday through Sunday?)

How many people do you know whose work lives revolve around weekends, vacations, retirement and death? Isn't it strange that so many people are worried about losing jobs they didn't want in the first place and don't much like now?

An employment study determined 59% of the workforce did not consciously choose their jobs. They either got started through chance circumstances, took the only jobs available, or were influenced by friends or relatives. Another study had 60% of the participants stating they found work "dull and boring." If these studies are anywhere close to accurate, why so much concern over job security?

Do you spend BM through TGIF looking forward to the weekend and then come back to work on BM and can't remember what you did on the two days you were so anxiously waiting for?

Are you working only for perceived financial and emotional security? Or do you demand fulfillment, happiness and pleasure from your occupation?

People's concern over losing jobs that give them meaning and provide fulfillment, happiness, and pleasure is understandable. Those folks have found a harmony between personal purpose and organizational goals. Losing such a job might hurt for awhile, but having been bitten by the fulfillment bug, these people will soon be back to doing what makes them happy.

Workers' concerns over losing financial and emotional security are also understandable, but misplaced. They are setting themselves up for the motherlode of negative stress by putting something as valuable as their security into the hands of organizations they don't control. If they were to lose their jobs, they would have to rely on another organization they do not control to provide their security fix -- an unenviable and tail-chasing position in which to be.

Any of us, at any time, for any number of reasons could find ourselves "occupationally challenged." But if we know what we really love to do, our condition is merely temporary.

Lesson #9 If you can't get excited about, passionate for, and committed to what you do for a living, you lose nothing of real importance when you don't do it anymore.

A PLEASANT OR NON-PLEASANT PRESENT

Fear of the unknown doesn't make sense.

The unknown, since it is just that -- unknown, can be given a face only in your fertile imagination. Your imagination can create an unknown world of pleasant possibilities or stark terror -- your choice.

Now the present is another story.

If you're into fear, and you're determined to fear something, fear the present. At least you know what IS happening, and your imagination is as useless as World Series rings with Chicago Cubs engraved on them.

The challenge comes in your being truthful with yourself, not about what did or could happen, but about what is actually happening -- the present. Is your present pleasant or is it a not so pleasant present?

You may feel your present sucks rotten eggs -- but does it? Your present may seem unpleasant because you have chosen to view past and future events as negative and have willingly rolled your present, past and future into one big depressing mental ball.

The past and the future are great places to visit, but you don't want to live there. They're like Oz; they don't exist in any practical sense.

According to the late Buckminster Fuller, a futurist, philosopher, engineer, architect, mathematician and all-around cool guy, we as humans are 99 percent "non form." Ninety-nine percent of who we are is lived internally -- in our heads.

If that seems a bit much, consider:

All of your past is alive to you only in your thoughts. (You can think about last week, but you can't physically be there last week.)

All of your future is lived in your thoughts. (You can think about next week but can't physically be there next week.)

Only the immediate present is lived in your body.

All of your past and all of your future is lived mentally. Only a fleeting one percent of a present moment is lived in the body. While I'm a statistics skeptic, I'll subscribe to Bucky's 99 percent number.

The importance of the present is further demonstrated by exhaustive research (I researched it until I got exhausted) which proves you are most productive when your mind and body are in the same place at the same time. That only happens in the present moment. If you're creating an unpleasant present, you will have blown the only real time you can do anything about anything.

How are things going, right here, right now? Separate what did happen yesterday and what you think might happen tomorrow, and concentrate on this moment. Are you feeling OK right now? Is everything acceptable on the job right now? With the family? Health good? Right now?

Lesson #10 Now is all you have. Live in it.

CARL

Carl was a retired pharmaceutical salesman. He wore his hair in a tight crew-cut like he had done during his days in the Corps. He was slight man with glasses and an ever-present bow tie. You get the picture.

No, you probably don't. To really get the picture of Carl, you didn't need to see him, you needed to experience him. I first got "Carled" the day after I met him.

I met Carl at a talk I was giving. The following day the newspaper had a write-up about the event, and my name was mentioned. The next day I received by mail the article, laminated on a piece of cardboard, with a note of congratulations from Carl. Such acknowledgement is not an everyday occurrence in my life.

From that day on, every time my name was mentioned anywhere in print the next day a note would come on a laminated piece of cardboard. If the publicity was not in print, Carl just sent a note.

Why did he do that?

Carl in his retirement took up public speaking. He called his company, People and Pride. His purpose was to help people feel good about themselves.

Carl was passionate about his purpose and approached his business differently than many people. For example, his business card was cut from construction paper. The card had a pasted on picture of Carl taken at one of those "go in the booth and get four pictures for a dollar" kind of places. He was also different in another significantly more substantial way. Carl really tried to relate to people.

Carl and I spoke often about why most people never responded when he called them or sent them something in the mail. Carl thought responding to another's gesture was common courtesy. I wonder where he could have come up with a strange idea like that?

Carl didn't do what he did for money; he did it because it fit his purpose. He spent hours scouring newspapers, finding stories, laminating them and mailing them off to give the recipients tangible evidence of why they should feel good about themselves.

Carl's endeavors were not about getting a reply. But a reply would have been nice.

I knew Carl the last three years of his life. Unless he had a death bed conversion, Carl moved on to the big stage in the sky being confused and a bit hurt over the lack of response to his reaching out. He wouldn't be human if he weren't a bit hurt, but Carl didn't have to be confused. The answer is obvious.

The people Carl thought enough of to spend time, energy, money and a piece of himself on were too busy to respond.

Carl didn't mean business, status or power to others. He was just a little guy with a bow tie and a homemade business card reaching out to touch other human beings.

I wonder where he could have come up with a strange idea like that?

Lesson #11 If you're too busy for people, you're much too busy.

TOUGH SHOT

I always enjoyed putting the shot.

I played football and track in high school and college. When I look back at the sports experience, I think I enjoyed the solitary sport of track and field even more then the babe-magnet sport of football.

I came to that conclusion while in an analytical mood I was reconstructing my life. I was bemoaning my lost opportunity to be a really good shot putter. Then what to my wondering eyes should appear but a flyer for the Senior Olympics -- opportunity regained.

I had five months to get ready for the state trials and another two months for the state finals. As they say, "It's never too late to have a happy childhood" and I was going to prove that statement true. I enhanced my workout schedule to include what I needed, physically and mentally, to heave that shot further than any old guy in New Mexico had ever done.

The big day came, I threw, I stunk.

It was then that I came to the realization that if I could have either skills or attitude--I'd take skills. I had a great positive attitude I just couldn't throw the darn thing from one side of a closet to the other. I came in first loser (a.k.a. second) -- out of two men in my age category. But because the top three finishers qualified for advancement, I was eligible for state!

As we drove home I said to Jean, "Well that frees up a couple days in July because there is no way I'll go to the state meet finals and embarrass myself again." Then Jean reminded me of what I've been saying to audiences for years -- there are three benefits to failure. Failure is:

1) A learning experience 2) A step toward success 3) A help to developing a sense of humor

It's tough when your own words come back to bite you, but bite me they did.

The three steps were true.

1) I learned the way I was practicing didn't work. I changed my practice routine.

2) This meet was only one step toward success. I signed up for other meets.

3) Being beaten by people who were throwing the shot as a time filler while waiting to compete in their "real" event, was humorous. (This benefit did take longer to accept.)

Off to state I went; I threw; I stunk.

There's always next year.

As tough as it is, you can't let the worry over failure stop you from doing what you know for you is the right thing to do.

The way I like to look at failure is that failure is a choice, and you can choose to never fail again because failure is only in the mind of the beholder.

Maybe that concept needs an explanation. Everything you do has an outcome. If it's the outcome you wanted or better (in my case a gold metal), you label that as a success. If it's an outcome you didn't want or worse (in my case dropping the shot on my foot), you label that as a failure. You project the outcome based on your expectations, you judge the outcome based on your expectations, and you label the outcome as either a success or a failure based on your expectations.

When you experience an outcome that was less than you anticipated, you can choose to label yourself a washout who bombed, fizzled, collapses, blundered, botched, flunked and floundered. Or you could choose to say you are a schooled, enlightened, informed, knowledgeable learner who knows you're always a success at creating the outcome you get.

You project the outcome, you judge the outcome, and you label the outcome.

When you are up against the possibility of failure and you feel yourself backing off give it the "best/worst" test by asking yourself these three questions:

1) What's the worst that could happen if I engage in this activity?

2) What's the best that can happen?

3) Is the best worth the worst?

When the thrill of victory out weights the agony of defeat, go for the victory.

Considering my shot put experiences, the best that could happen, I could win a gold medal. The worst that could happen, I don't win a gold medal. So since I didn't have a gold metal when I began, the worst that could happen is I wind up right where I was before I started. In this case is the best worth the worst? Sure.

Will I do it again next year? Yes. I learned some life-long lessons, took another step forward and had more than a few laughs. My strategy now is to stay healthy and eventually outlive everyone until I am the only one left in my age group.

Lesson #12 Failure is a state of mind, choose not to live in that state.

ALIVE AND WELL, OR BORED AS HELL

Prioritize:

( ) Be alive and realize there's nothing you want to do.

( ) Be dying and know there is more you want to do.

( ) Be dying and realize there's nothing you want to do.

( ) Be alive and know there is more you want to do.

If you view life as I do, you choose as your number one priority being alive and knowing there is more you want to do and as number four dying with more to do. Those choices are easy to understand. But as your second priority did you chose being alive with nothing to do or did you choose to check out of a boring, uneventful, meaningless life?

Lesson #13 Living or dying are much the same if you don't have anything you want to do. Lesson #13 Living or dying are much the same if you don't have anything you want to do.

THINKIN', THINKIN', BO BLINKIN'

The old saying, "We are what we think about most," fascinates me.

If I took that statement literally in a very short time I would become a double martini, shaken not stirred. But I don't imagine that's what the sages meant. I believe they meant when you think about something you program your subconscious mind, which directs your automatic bodily responses, to do what it takes to make your thoughts your reality.

But� If you are what you think about most, wouldn't the converse also be true, "You are not what you don't think about?" And due to the limited mental capacities and interests of us humans we don't think about more things than we think about. So you leave a lot of what could potentially make a much better you unthought about. Think about that.

Lesson #14 Every time you think about something, you're not thinking about everything else that could be thought about.

FLY ME TO THE MOON

It's not the lions. We can handle the lions. It's those darn pesky Stomoxys calcitrans.

An article taken off the web introduced me to the dreaded "Bloodsucking flies of Tanzania" (a.k.a. Stomoxys calcitrans). It seems these flies were responsible for killing six lions and seriously injuring sixty-two others. According to a conservationist "The flies bite the lions then keep biting their wounds, inflicting a lot of pain and traumatizing them. The lions are dying of trauma."

It's not the big things. We can handle the big thing. It's those darn pesky flies.

Forgot to set the alarm (fly).
No time for coffee (fly).
Dog poop on the carpet (fly).
Heavy traffic (fly).
Unplanned meeting (fly).
Underwear riding up (fly)
Cell phone battery running down (fly)
Excessive overtime (fly)
Daughter dating the purple-haired guy (fly)

At the end of the day, when you've swatted your last fly (spouse has a headache), you drop into bed exhausted. You're so uptight you realize you're breathing like your dog on a hot July afternoon, your shoulders are up around your ears, and you haven't blinked since last Tuesday.

The best use of our time for reducing the pressures we're exposed to everyday is not to bag our lions, but to manage our flies.

Life is made up of flies, both the bloodsuckerflies and the butterflies. Get used to it. When life throws you into a swarm of Stromos, breath deeply, relax, and laugh. When encountering an abundance of butterflies, delight in the flying flower, smile like the kid you are, and know just how good you have it right now.

Lesson 15 Don't sweat the big stuff, it's the little stuff that will drop you to your knees.

HAPPENINGS

"Everything that happens, happens for a reason."

Ever hear that saying? That's a good, solid, empowering belief because it puts a person back in control of the event. Stuff happens, you then get busy searching for its reason. Yes, a good, solid, empowering belief -- I just don't happen to believe it.

Sure, things happen, that's what things do. But I don't believe they happen for a reason. I don't believe life's events have hidden in them any inherent reason for their existence.

What happens, happens. You give it a reason.

That's where your power comes from. You decide how to make the most of whatever has gone on in your life not by saying "poor, poor pitiful me" or looking outward for a reason from some celestial teacher, but by giving events a reason that you can use to move forward. "What can I learn from this?" is the most empowering question to ask of life's events. Maybe you're not supposed to learn any lesson -- but you can learn one if you choose.

Lesson #16 Events don't happen to teach you something; they just happen. Learning is yours to seek out.

TICK TOCK

On the TV show ER, a couple in their 80s are stage center. The man is dying, the wife asks concerned Doctor Carter, "How much longer?" Doctor C says, "A few more minutes." Woman sobs in stunned and saddened disbelief, stares at Carter with a look in her eyes that rips your heart out and mumbles numbly, "Only a few more minutes?"

Sixty years of loving togetherness for that man and his wife came down to only a "few more minutes."

There comes a time for all of us when our relationship with those we love will be over in just "a few more minutes." The difference between most of us and the TV characters is they knew which minutes would be their "few more."

Given this finality fact of earthly relationships, should you then be kind, tender, warm, devoted and giving to your loved ones every single minute of every single day? Commendable, yes, but just as certainly unattainable, and in many ways, undesirable. (How would you like to spend a serious amount of time with someone who treated you as if you were going to croak any minute?)

Here rests our earthly dilemma. You shouldn't treat others as if they are going to die before lunch because 99.99 percent of the time you will be wrong. But if you're not treating them the best you know how when their few minutes are indeed up, you beat yourself upside the head with the guilt stick. "I was going to call Aunt Lenore last night but I watched ER instead. Now she's dead, I'm a terrible person."

It would seem to be a part of our human makeup when someone close to us dies to feel we didn't "do enough," "weren't there for them," "didn't say what we wanted to say," yada yada. Get over it. The odds are against us always doing the right thing at the right time.

A loving relationship is a balancing act of living daily with the humanness brought to that relationship. A loving relationship is the times you called Aunt Lenore twice in a day blended with the times you didn't call at all. Death as well as life is a game without rules. You can't judge the quality of a relationship on the last "few minutes." But you definitely could hold yourself accountable for all the years, months, weeks, hours and minutes before the last few.

When you have treated your loved ones the best you know how for 99.99 percent of the time, the last few minutes are just the last few minutes.

Lesson #17 Enjoy others as if they will live forever, and love them as if they only have a few more minutes.

SECOND HAND SMOKE

Two days before Christmas the stockings were hung by the chimney with care, chestnuts were roasting on an open fire, sugarplums were head-dancing, and our dogs were tearing apart a little, gray kitten.

'Tis the season.

Living in a more rural area sometimes we unintentionally play host to families of feral cats, this was one of those times--we were not very good hosts.

My son Dave was home for Christmas, and he and his mother were playing in the snow. The tranquility of the moment was disturbed when they saw (and heard) the kitten being worked over pretty well by two of our otherwise friendly dogs, who must have thought they had received an early Christmas present.

Extricating the dog-spit-covered feline was a trick in itself, but the dogs didn't stand a chance against Jean's maternal instincts. The dogs lost their present, and we gained a second cat.

Smokey the cat is now nine years old, an indoor cat, well-fed, warm and loved. For Smokey to go from very perilous existence in the wild to a protected life in our home he had to go through being used as a pull toy by creatures fifteen times his weight.

To go from what you are now to what you can become, do you also have to be metaphorically pulled apart by the big dogs of life?

Sadly for many of us, that's the case. Smokey would never have experienced the solace in Jean's arms if being held by a human hadn't been infinitely better than the pain of being chomped on by large, canine incisors.

To leave what you currently have, staying must be too painful. That is the root reason anyone would choose to change. As long as you perceive what you have now to be less painful than facing the "dogs" guarding your brighter future, you ain't goin' nowhere.

If Smokey could only have reasoned that once he got through this dog thing, the rest of his life would be better, he might have gone looking for the dogs.

How are you different from Smokey the cat?

To change your job requires facing the dogs of interviews, working with strangers, new policies and procedures and a chance of failure.

To change your house requires facing the dogs of paperwork, meeting new neighbors, leaving old neighbors, arranging for furniture moving, new grocery stores, additional financial obligations.

To change a relationship requires facing the dogs of tears, meeting new people, self-doubt, additional financial obligations and a chance of failure.

Look at all the good things you have in your life and think about the dogs you had to face to get them. Don't leave an even greater future unexplored. Grab a box of treats, a can of citronella spray and wade through the pack.

Lesson #18 Sometimes to get what's best, we have to experience what's worse.

A MURPHY METAPHOR MOMENT

Murphy, the dog, liked to hike with us in the mountains. Murphy also liked to jump in mud up to his neck and accompanied by the inevitable sucking sound, Murphy would leap out and rapidly roll in the nearest pile of fresh animal droppings. In that "earthy" condition, Murphy would come up to us, eyes caked and twinkling, begging to be petted. Murphy was a dog oblivious to the theory of cause and effect, among many other things.

Unfortunately Murphy is not the only animal struggling with cause and effect. This is a concept seeming very difficult to grasp for the human animal also. Examples from my sparsely populated home state of New Mexico:

o A lady in Albuquerque spilled hot coffee in her lap, sued McDonalds and was awarded $2 million plus which was eventually reduced to approximately $600,000. (What would you spill in your lap for $600,000? Battery acid comes to my mind.)

o A former medical student sued University of New Mexico contending the school, under the Americans With Disabilities Act, didn't make reasonable accommodations for his disability. His disability -- test anxiety! His suit stated he suffers from an anxiety disorder. (A doctor with an anxiety disorder?)

o A gambler (apparently not a very good one) sued the Indian gaming casinos for loss of his money and his marriage. Said he couldn't resist gambling so the casinos shouldn't have been there to tempt him.

o A high school football player was arrested for running 35 yards across the field and blindsiding a referee who had tossed him out for unsportsmanlike conduct only minutes before. The boy's mother explained to the press her son was not at fault; it was the fault of the authorities who let him play when he was tired.

For all too many people, they do everything to create the cause and fight with every ounce of their strength against accepting the inevitable effect their cause created. You spill coffee, you get burned, You flunk enough tests, you fail. You gamble long enough, you lose. You cold cock a referee in front of a hundred people, you get punished. Why should someone else pay for the effect of your cause?

If you, like Murphy the dog, insist on rolling in it, others shouldn't have to suffer because you're not getting petted.

Lesson #19 You reap what you sow, but don't expect somebody else to eat it.

WHAT WILL THEY SAY?

A TV report about a tragic accident at a local high school got me to thinking.

A student crossing the street in front of the school was hit and killed by a car driven by another student. In an attempt to boost ratings by appealing to the morbid curiosity of the general public, the reporter stuck a microphone in the shocked faces of the grieving student witnesses and asked them to describe their friend who had just been killed. The curious answers were, "He was very respectful. He wasn't the kind who'd try to start fights. He would just try to get along and be nice." And, "He was your basic, all-around student. He wasn't into drugs or anything".

Do those on-the-spot eulogies sound strange?

"He was a great kid. He wasn't a mass murder or anything."

Maybe it's just me, but I don't expect a kid to start fights or to do drugs. Are antisocial behaviors so much a part of our young people's world that people are defined by their absence? Is our society at a point when someone abstains from deviant behavior, we find that newsworthy?

The words used to describe people may say as much about the times we live in as the people we're describing. What will they say about you when you're moving on to life--phase 2?

"He was a good guy, never cheated on his income taxes and almost never cheated on his wife."

"She was a loyal employee, didn't lie or steal hardly anything."

"What a great cousin, never knocked my teeth down my throat with a baseball bat."

Lesson #20 Be so much there is little room for what you're not.

WAS PLEASURE, IS PAIN.

Think of your cute, little, seven-year-old, darling self.

In your memory, were you happier, more spontaneous, more creative, innovative, honest, more trusting, more self confident than you are now? Were you less tense, less anxious, less skeptical, less frustrated, less concerned with change or failure? Were you less stressed?

What happened?

Remember, as a kid, the fun of the first, big snowfall, holidays, birthdays, vacations? Do you enjoy them as much since you've become your big, old, mature self?

What happened? Life happened.

You learned the big snowfall brings snow shoveling and traffic jams. Holidays bring family out of the woodwork and the closet. Vacations, you do double work before, double work after, spend the first half winding down and the last half gearing up.

Through these experiences of your life you've learned to react differently to events than you might have reacted the first time you experienced them. It's important to remember, the events didn't change. Snow is snow, holidays are holidays and vacations are vacations.

Which reactions then are correct? Are snowfalls, holidays, vacations a scourge from hell or a blessing from heaven? Yes, and they don't give a rat's which way you view them!

Events just are. If at one point they were acceptable to you, and now they're not acceptable, it's obvious the event didn't change; you did. You have learned and chosen to let events over which you have little or no control drive you nuts. If you don't like now what you did like then and continue to do what you don't like now and did like then, you've got work to do.

If you want to get back the pure childish pleasure you felt when you first experienced snow, holidays and vacations and the like, you have to "unlearn" the bad and remember the good.

An old East Indian saying: "All the struggle to learn and all we have to do is remember." Pretty clever old East Indian, eh?

Lesson #21 Events have no feelings attached to them; that's your job.

BURNT BY THE MIDNIGHT OIL.

Does it seem like the light at the end of the tunnel is painted on?

Long hours at work were never a problem for the majority of workers I've known. They were willing to give of their "free" time to help the organization through some tough periods. That was then, this is now.

The 10 to 12 hour days will not last. But rather than going back to eight hours (the light at the end of the tunnel), the time is more likely to go to 14. Why?

In a survey quoted in USA TODAY, people were asked why they are working more hours today than they worked five years ago. The answers: 38 percent said it was "expected of them," 37 percent said they "enjoyed it" (God bless them), and 25 percent said there's "more work to do." I may be naive, but shouldn't "more work to do" account for 100%? If there's not more work to do, what do they expect you to do and what is it you enjoy doing?

I'm willing to go out on a limb here and say that the majority of people who consistently work long hours are doing so because they are afraid. Workers are afraid of the negative consequence leaving work and getting home at a decent hour will have on their performance appraisal, and ultimately their security. Organizations, relying on this twisted thought process, with an eye on the bottom line, would be foolish not to continue to push for 14 hours of work for eight hours of pay.

If you identify with anything you just read, commit to take control of your existence now before burnout rots the very foundation of your personal life and robs your organization of its most creative, dedicated, loyal and bottom-line-enhancing resource -- [fill in your name].

Lesson #22 Work when there is work to be done. Play when there is play to be done.

OUT OF THE MOUTHS OF DOGS

Our big, old dog Lucky loves to chase rabbits. This dog chasing rabbits is not as pretty a picture as you might think. Lucky has heart disease, a severely enlarged heart (in more ways than one) which is not working well enough to pump waste fluids from his body. The vet, in telling us about the situation, said Lucky probably should rest as much as possible. We decided not to share that news with Lucky and let him do what comes naturally. He wants to chase rabbits. He may die doing just that, but meanwhile he can enjoy his life. His body may place limitations on him in the future, but for now his dog brain is not telling him he "can't."

Animals, being a lower form of being than humans (in most cases), know precisely what they can and can't do--"I can lick myself all over, but I can't drive a car in heavy traffic."

"Can't" is a contraction for can not, which literally means impossible. We all have many reasons we can't. Some of our "can'ts" are actualities-- mental or physical impossibilities like that licking all over thing. Others have no basis in reality. Have you ever heard anyone say "Oh! I can't drive in heavy traffic." Chances are they can, the truth is they choose not to.

The Luckys of this world can be a reminder to us to separate the real impossibilities from the limitations we place on ourselves just to keep comfortable and safe. Remember there is no complete comfort or safety, but there is a lot of fun, excitement and thrills to be missed when we mistakenly substitute "I can't" for "I don't choose to."

I have noticed over the years that, beside can't, there are other words thankfully missing from our horses', dogs' and cats' vocabulary. Power depleting words and phrases like; "Never," "It's not fair," "Have to," "That's just me," "I've always been that way," I can't help it," and "That's just my nature."

We humans are the only ones of God's creatures who not only know their limitations but will also limit themselves without any logical reason to do so.

In some ways Lucky is lucky to be lucky.

Lesson #23 "I can't" is a contraction in life as well as in language.

IS GOOD GOOD ENOUGH?

Growing up in a middle-class neighborhood, getting B- grades in school, being chosen 5th out of 11 for the block football team, being promoted with peers, being in the top 40 percent in income, having 2.5 children, living in a house costing $10,000 more than the median.

That's all good, right? Yes, but that much good can be bad.

When what you have is desired by 3/4 of the world's population, your drive to improve is weakened, because not much more is expected of you. If as a kid you were consistently picked 11 out of 11, a desire may have been triggered to "show them" by improving so to became more wanted by the others. Or you might say, "the heck with it," and never play football again. Being picked 5th is good -- good enough.

When making $5000 more in yearly income than you ever dreamed you would make is good, where is the incentive to exceed your dream by even more? It takes significant effort and energy to move to the next level in life. When you are hurting, miserable and down, that effort becomes worth making. When your life is "good," that effort is often seen as not worth expending.

Frequently in stories of successful people, we read of their disadvantaged background or possibly they came from great wealth and managed to keep and/or increase their fortune. How much do you read about successful people who started out just a tad above average? Either they don't make good copy or there are not too many of them.

I believe climbing to the top from the bottom is easier than climbing from the middle to the top.

Lesson #24 The major obstacle to being great tomorrow is being good today.

LEARNER, LEARNER YOUR FUTURE'S ON FIRE

Peanuts cartoon:

The character, Rerun, was hiding under a bed. Lucy asked if he's coming to school. Rerun said "no" because, he exclaimed, the teacher was sarcastic to him. The teacher had asked him if he thought he had "learned everything he needed to know." Lucy, being Lucy, queried "Well, do you think you've learned everything you need to know?" Rerun replied, "I think I've learned everything I need to know to live under a bed."

Rerun's philosophy, at this stage of his young life appears to be, "If I'm going to live under a bed for the rest of my life, what is the sense of learning anything more? Logical, but somewhat flawed, thinking

Maybe today all he needs to learn is what's necessary to live "under a bed," but tomorrow he may find himself "under a dresser." Does he know how to live under a dresser, or does he only have "under the bed" skills?

I remember attending a then live concert by the now dead Jim Croce.

He was a gifted songwriter, minstrel and between-songs philosopher. That evening he spoke of his college experiences and said, "During four years of college I took philosophy, psychology, sociology, all of these "ologies," and I came out totally prepared for life in the 12th century."

If you don't learn how to learn, you will be, just as surely as the terminally inconvenienced Mr. Croce or the dust bunny covered Rerun, preparing for life under a bed in the 12th century. You'll find yourself able to function quite well in a world that has ceased to exist.

For those who use statistics to generate personal excitement, try these: 95 percent of what you use daily is learned after you leave school. Every five years 50 percent of what you know becomes obsolete. Doesn't say much for stagnant learning does it?

If you don't buy those statistics, and believe you have all the education you'll ever need with your high school, college or college plus degrees, try this little exercise. Dredge up the report card from your last year of formal education. See if you even remember taking a particular course, much less what was taught in that class. How would you do if you took a test today on the material you were exposed to in your last year of school?

With the high obsolescence rate of your knowledge you obviously can't rely on "used learning." Therefore continuous learning is critical at all stages of life. But of the gabillion things there are to learn, what specifically do YOU need to learn? Selective learning is no easy task considering you have very little idea of what you should select to learn.

No matter how well you have planned your life, your life has a life of its own and that life is full of surprises of all sizes. What do you need to learn when your spouse runs off with the circus? Didn't plan on that I bet. How about a job loss; quadruplets; lottery winning; hemorrhoids; aging?

It is one heck of a challenge to prepare for a life that has never been lived before. Will life hide you under the bed or stick you on the top shelf?

Lesson #25 Learn something everyday; you're never sure what you'll need to know or when you'll need to know it.

THE FUTURE DOESN'T THE PAST MAKE

You can only experience things for the first time once.

The reason for that obvious and gnarly statement is that you can never approach something "clean" the second time around. Through filters of the first time is the way you "reapproach" any person, place, event or experience. You apply to all areas of your life a future that's based on the past.

How do you know if future changes in your life will benefit you or cause you to slobber uncontrollably on your shirt? In truth you don't KNOW, but you have a definite belief based on your prior experiences.

Since viewing your future through the lens of the past is natural, it's worth taking a good look at what beliefs from your past life (lives?) you're allowing to create that future. Your past beliefs have gotten you to where you are. Your beliefs are and should be a major input into future decisions. However your beliefs can not, and should not, be firmly locked in concrete like Jimmy Hoffa.

Think of your beliefs as a wall of safety deposit boxes--all yours.

These boxes are different from the standard, bank-assigned, safe-deposit boxes. They do not contain your run-of-the-mill odds and ends like stock certificates, rare coins, wills, and one half million in unmarked bills. These boxes contain something important. They contain your beliefs.

Each box contains a past belief you hold concerning a specific issue. When your present life's experiences lead you to a new belief concerning that issue, and you go to store the new belief, you quickly realize the box is not big enough for two conflicting beliefs so you toss out your past belief, and deposit your current, new belief.

This concept of conflicting beliefs is worth expanding upon. You cannot hold two conflicting beliefs at the same moment. Your "boxes" are just not big enough. And since the belief you choose to deposit, old or new, drives your future behaviors, which ultimately drive your life's results, which belief you choose to stuff in your metaphorical safe-deposit box is a critical choice.

Lesson #26 The past got you to where you are now, but it doesn't have to take you to where you're going.

MR. FIX-IT

In 1985 Jean and I moved from Chicago to Albuquerque, New Mexico. That was a great year. The next year the kids found us. Our excitement tapered off a bit, but we still knew the Southwest was for us. When we arrived in Albuquerque, we bought a house and had a swimming pool installed.

We had our pool, deck chairs, table, umbrella and pool toys, but something was missing -- a shelf. We needed a shelf mounted outside of the kitchen window. On that shelf we could put party items like blue corn chips with salsa and being health nuts, the juice of several margaritas.

We asked our neighbors for a recommendation for someone to furnish and install the shelf. Their recommendation -- Mr. Fix-It. Despite the dorky name, we gave him a call. An appointment was set.

Mr. Fix-It arrived, right on time, and much to my surprise (the first of many), Mr. Fix-It, the handyman/carpenter, was dressed like my version of an English professor. I explained our shelf needs and asked for an estimate.

As we walked around to the backyard, Fix (I felt I knew him well enough by that time to call him by his first name) asked me more questions about how we use a backyard than the real estate agent asked during the entire home-buying process. He took measurements, asked a few more questions, and gave me an estimate.

Since I didn't want to seem too easy, I said I'd get back to him with our answer. As a result of his previous probing questions, he got me thinking about other things, like where we were going to store the chemicals, hoses, covers, all the miscellaneous pool paraphernalia. Really into this spending money thing, I asked him for an estimate on a couple of additional cabinets.

Consider how a man calling himself a handyman/carpenter might react to that "buying signal." Fix said, "Mr. Payne, you told me you have not enjoyed a summer by your pool as yet, so I would like to make a suggestion. Before you invest additional money in cabinets, spend a summer, use your backyard, and use your pool. After you have lived with what you have for a season, if you still feel you would like cabinets, you'll have a better idea of how many and where they would be most conveniently located."

I told him waiting to order additional cabinets sounded perfectly logical (although unexpected from a handyman/carpenter), and we would be getting back to him on the shelf quote.

As we walked to his van, I saw the reason for Mr.Fix-It's rather unconventional behavior. On the side of his van in large letters read: Mr. Fix-It. That, of course, was no surprise, but under the large letters was written the reason Mr. Fix-It showed up exactly on time, the reason he dressed and spoke as he did, the reason he asked the questions he did, the reason he responded to my not-too- well-thought-out request as he did, and the reason I'm writing this story. The entire message read:

Mr. Fix-It
Adjustments to Human Environment

Mr. Fix-It didn't see himself as a handyman/carpenter, he saw himself as an "adjuster of human environment" and behaved as someone committed to adjusting human environment would behave. How might he have behaved if on the side of his van was written:

Mr. Fix-It
Net $100,000 This Year

If he believed his purpose to be netting $100,000 this year, you can bet I would have had cabinets over every square inch of the backyard that wasn't water!

Lesson #27 In the long run you will act in harmony with what you believe. Be sure you know what you believe.

FEAR -- A VIABLE OPTION

In Mel Brooks' classic comedy skit, The 2000 Year Old Man, Carl Reiner, asks the old man what the major form of transportation was 2000 years ago. The old man answers, "Fear!"

Fear has been given a bum rap.

Fear keeps you going -- going to a job you might not like, going with a relationship that's less than rewarding, going to the health food store and going to the gym. Fear provides the "transportation" from things you don't want -- unemployment, loneliness, illness, and fat. Not to want something to happen is as good a motivator as to want something to happen. Fear motivates as effectively as desire.

Without good honest fear you'd be quitting your job at the slightest provocation, ending relationships the moment the toothpaste tube is squeezed in the middle, and stuffing down fried peanut butter and honey sandwiches on white bread during an eight hour stint on the couch.

Fear in the proper doses keeps you on the straight and narrow -- but you can overdose on this potentially good thing. Too much fear and you don't do what needs to be done -- leaving the job or the relationship that's draining you, using your leisure time doing the things you enjoy doing.

Fear, both healthy and unhealthy, drives your actions. Where does such a powerful force of nature come from? You're not born carrying a file folder full of fears. Fear is a learned emotion. You learn to fear everything you fear (except fears of falling, loud noises, and a legislature in session). What you have learned, you can unlearn. Unfortunately, when it comes to our fears, we tend to learn quickly and unlearn slowly.

You can't fear the past. Fear is a future thing, and since the future is all in your head (Lesson #14), fear must be a head thing.

You're responsible for allowing in your head the amount of fear that stops you from crossing a busy street blindfolded and for blocking out the fear that keeps you in the house altogether. A rich, exciting, and vibrant life is the balance between productive and destructive fears -- your choice.

Lesson #28 Fear doesn't come as part of the human package, you add it as an option.

BETTER SORRY THAN SAFE

I was in my garage workout room. I had the door open a few feet to let in some air, and the open door also let in our five-year-old neighbor David. I was riding my stationary bike, and David had never seen a stationary bike. He had just learned to ride his two wheeler and had recently removed the training wheels. He had scrapes on his face as proof of that premature act.

He watched me peddling furiously for a couple of minutes and said, "Tom (he's a modern kid), what's that?" I told him, "It's a bike, Dave, but not like your bike. I don't fall off of this one, don't have to ride out in the hot sun, and don't get splashed after a rain. It's neat, isn't it?" He replied, "Yeah, but you're not going anywhere!" (Out of the mouths of babes!) "Sure, Dave, but I'm safe."

Always playing safe is breaking even at the casinos by only playing the change machine. Lots of excitement, commotion, and activity but not much reward.

A sure way to be safe is to never try anything new, but never trying sharply reduces your learning. You're also not advancing toward success, not growing, and not having nearly as much fun as you could have.

Picture this scenario: You're 120 years old sitting in the Old Employees' Home. You're gumming a bagel. At that point in your life would you be most upset over projects you tried that didn't work out or projects that you would like to try but feel you're too old to do? Sure, research and common sense backs up the latter.

During a break at one of my programs, I was speaking to a man who told me a truly disheartening story. He was about 65 years old. He and his older sister were the only ones left in the family. Getting together was infrequent. The last time they began talking about why they don't keep in better touch, they both came to the realization that why they don't write to each other is because both lacked confidence in their spelling and punctuation! When they're 120 years old, what will be more important, their relationship or winning the inter-family spelling bee?

What would you be doing, or not doing, in your personal and/or professional life if you didn't always play safe? What would you be doing if you didn't care about what others thought and if you fully understood the benefits of failure what projects, ideas might you implement? When you're retired from your job, what will you have wished you had done before you left? What are you doing now to make that happen?

Lesson #29 "Safe" may be a desirable destination, but safe is not where most of us are headed.

OH YOU POOR BABY...

. Imagine you arrive home about an hour later than usual. You drop your coat on the floor and yourself on the couch. With a concerned look, your politically correct spouse/partner/significant other/companion, observes your glazed appearance and says, "We have to talk. These last couple of months you have been especially uncommunicative with me and the kids. You've been argumentative with the neighbors. You do little else but stare at the TV, and half of the time it's not even on! And you're drinking more than you ever have. What's wrong?"

"I'll tell you what's wrong. My boss won't get off my back; customers are constantly complaining; policies keep changing; rumors about reorganizing are running wild; and all my coworkers have bad attitudes. It's a jungle out there that's why I'm the way I am."

Your s/p/so/c responds, "Oh, you poor baby, have a glass of wine and relax."

"Thank you," you say with a slump and sigh.

Now let's change the scene a bit. You go home at night about an hour later than usual. And drop your coat on the floor and yourself on the couch. Your s/p/so/c comes over to you and says, "We have to talk. These last couple of months you have been especially uncommunicative with me and the kids. You've been argumentative with the neighbors. You do little else but stare at the TV, and half of the time it's not even on! And you're drinking more than you ever have. What's wrong?"

"This time you respond, "I'll tell you what's wrong. My boss won't get off my back; customers are constantly complaining; policies keep changing; rumors about reorganizing are running wild; and all my coworkers have bad attitudes. So I'm choosing to be this loser you see slumped over on the couch. Could you get me another drink please?"

If you do get another drink, it's a good bet that for telling the truth you'll have to get that drink yourself!

Lesson #30 When you make others responsible you get sympathy, when you make yourself responsible you get control.

TODAY LING-LING SAT ON A PIE

In 1972 the People's Republic of China presented a treasured gift to the people of the United States,

This unique gift was presented to then President Richard Nixon when he visited China in 1972.

This cherished gift was bestowed as a gesture of peace and harmony to our esteemed Leader.

This beloved gift made its home in The National Zoo in Washington DC.

This rare gift was a pair of giant pandas, Ling-Ling and Hsing-Hsing

In 1992 to celebrate 20 years in this country, the prized gifts of Ling-Ling and Hsing-Hsing each were given their favorite treat, Sweet Potato pie.

Ling-Ling, the treasured, unique, cherished, beloved, rare and prized gift bestowed to solidify the relations of two great countries, in all his majesty...

sat on his pie.

Lesson #31 Sometimes you just gotta do what comes natural.

STRAIGHT FROM THE GURU'S MOUTH

There I was, working from seven in the morning to seven at night and still not getting everything done. I was losing heart as quickly as I was losing ground. No matter if I worked the 12 hours or quit in two hours, there was so much to do I'd never get it done anyway. My job might as well have been emptying the ocean with a bucket.

I was discouraged, disillusioned and just plain tired. I needed some time management help.

Attending seminars, reading books and absorbing videos only put me further behind. Then while watching a documentary on TV (when I probably should have been doing something else), I heard the answer to my problem.

The answer came from that well-know, world-renowned, time management guru -- Arnold Schwartznegger.

Arnold was telling a story of how in the past when he was a body building champion he was having difficulty finishing his workouts in the 2 1/2 hours he had allotted. They always ran longer. He (unlike me) was aware of the reason. He was a very gregarious person and would get to talking to others in the workout room, and his time would be up before his muscles were.

So Arnold's solution was to set a time limit. In 2 1/2 hours he would be done. There would be no staying longer to finish what he had not accomplished. That provided him with definitive criteria with which to make a decision. "Do I talk to Franco or finish my workout?" Either-or, he didn't have time for both. This worked for Mr. S.

I then decided to apply the Schwartznegger technique. I went to work at 7 a.m. but set 5:30 p.m. as quitting time. Then when a coworker would come to the office and inquire if I had a few minutes, I would ask myself "Could I meet with her and still get out at 5:30?" If so, the meeting was on. If not, we scheduled for the next day. Previously to my Arnold fix, I would have said yes, then added the extra time on the end of the day.

When you view your time as elastic there is a tendency to try to cram 30 hours of work in a 24 hour day. Set logical, attainable expectations, establish a time limit, and stick to it. The ocean may not get emptied, but you'll sure feel better about it.

Thanks, Arnold.

Lesson #32 Time is life's currency; spend it selfishly.

ME ME ME

You are the Center of the Universe.

A poem I once read said the least important word in the English language is the word "I." Balderdash! "I" is the most important word. The popular saying, "It's not about you," couldn't be more incorrect. It's all about you. How about "No man is an island?" Another dash of balder, of course we are each "islands." No one, and I mean no one, on this earth cares about what happens to you as much as you do. That's all right, after all you are the Center of the Universe.

Skeptics read on.

When people tell you they feel "good," did you ever wonder what their "good" is like? If you were in their body and felt the way they feel when they feel "good," might you be tempted to dial 911?

What does it feel like to them when people tell you they are in pain, hungry or sad. You know how it feels to you when you're in pain. You know what goes on in your innards when you're hungry and in your mind when you're sad. But do others twinge in the same places as you twinge? Are others grabbed in the same place you're grabbed?

You are the Center Of The Universe. Everything that happens in the world is given meaning by you based on your experiences and beliefs. Fred tells you he feels good, you immediately "know" how Fred feels based on how you feel when you feel good. How else could you possibly interpret Fred's condition?

When you walk down the theater aisle to your pricey, front-row seat, the people on your left you would call, "The people on my left." When you leave the theater, the people that you called "the people on my left," would now accurately be called, "The people on my right." The people didn't change sides during the play, but they did in relation to you.

Every way you view the world is in relation to you. Therefore you must be the "center," correct?

Being the Center of the Universe carries with it good news and bad news: Good news--you're always right Bad news--the rest of the world doesn't always believe the good news. (The trick here is to realize that everyone else is also the Center of the Universe!)

You will have made a giant leap forward in living a less stressful and more rewarding life when you realize the truths in life you hold as indisputable are made up by you, judged by you, defended by you, and can therefore be changed by you.

Lesson #33 Contrary to popular parental precepts, the world does revolve around you.